13 Mar Are these phrases bullshit?
‘Every experience, no matter how bad it is, holds within it a blessing of some kind. The goal is to find it.’ – Buddha
I remember immediately hating phrases like ‘everything happens for a reason’, ‘trust your journey’ or, at the time, the worst of all, ‘time heals all wounds’. The minute you go through something so significant that you start to question all that you believed to be true, you have no idea how to process or make sense of anything.
Why would anyone ever believe that there is an actual reason behind why this happened? BLESSING? Hell no. Trust this? Find the purpose? The positive outcome? This has to be a cruel joke. Time will make this better? Fuck that.
I would write these things in my journal…over and over. The touch of pen to paper become stronger with each written word. Frustration and anger flowing from my brain to my fingers, ultimately filling my entire being with negativity.
After months of entrapment in this space, my yoga mat found me again. The first time back, I went to the studio where I used to practice with him. I can’t tell you about a single asana, who the teacher was, what day or time I was there but what I can tell you is…that I looked over and he wasn’t there. That I was angry. That I cried silently in savasana. That by crying (which I rarely allowed myself to do prior to this day) somehow felt like the slightest bit of healing had occurred. That by the time I was bowing and saying ‘Namaste’, my head met my mat and laid there for what seemed like too long. That I talked to my brother for the first time since he had passed.
What I can tell you is that anger turned into pure love.
I still struggle with these phrases. It isn’t with complete confidence that I believe these to be true today. However, through my healing process, my heart continues to open with every breath. Do I still struggle? Absolutely. Does yoga help me through this? Without a doubt.
I don’t know if I’ve reached my goal in finding a blessing and I’m not sure if that will ever be the point. My only promise is that I will continue to stay in a space of love and to do that, I must keep showing up on my mat.